SATIRE · A fictional D.R.A.M.A. report

Athletic Department Denies Request for Folding Chair, Asks Coach to Take a Seat

The first sign that Thursday’s equipment appeal might go poorly came when the athletic director asked varsity volleyball coach Beth Danner to take a seat. There were four people in the conference room and three chairs.

“That’s actually a pretty good visual,” Danner said.

According to records reviewed by D.R.A.M.A., Danner requested one $28 folding chair in August when the hinge snapped on one of the chairs for visiting teams. She included a photograph of the broken hinge, a link to an identical chair, and the inventory number from a silver district sticker that had outlasted the chair by at least one season.

The district returned the request because Danner had selected “replacement.” Under the district’s inventory policy, a replacement could be approved only after the original item had been removed from service. The broken chair was still listed as active because someone had taken it out of the gym before the facilities coordinator could photograph it in the gym.

“I took it out,” Danner said. “People kept sitting in it.”

At Thursday’s appeal, athletic director Glenn Pritchard offered Danner his chair. She thanked him and asked whether she could take it back to the gym. Pritchard checked the sticker underneath. For a moment everyone in the room was rooting for her.

“Instructional furniture,” he read.

In the meantime, visiting teams have been borrowing a chair from the scorer’s table. The official scorekeeper now stands for home matches, a gesture the superintendent praised in Friday’s newsletter as “a wonderful example of the energy in our gym.” The scorekeeper, who also teaches algebra, said she would appreciate the opportunity to bring less energy to Tuesday’s game.

Several parents offered to buy a chair. Pritchard asked them to hold off. Accepting donated equipment requires board approval, he explained, and the next board meeting was already over capacity. When Danner suggested putting out a few extra chairs, the secretary put down her pen.

The breakthrough came late Friday, when a custodian found the original chair in the equipment closet. He carried it back to the gym, where the facilities coordinator photographed it, then carried it back to the closet. The district retired the inventory number at 3:42 p.m. Danner resubmitted her request at 3:46.

On Monday morning she received approval to purchase one folding chair for $28. Shipping was $6.95.

At press time, Danner was driving to the store.


Discover more from D.R.A.M.A. — Department of Recreational Athletics Monitoring & Analysis

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D.R.A.M.A. is fictional satire, not reporting on actual students, schools or events. Our subject is the outsized adult drama surrounding school sports.

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